Directly following graduation day on May 4, William Peace University students of all grade levels will be armed to engage in mortal combat with students from William Paterson University inside of the PNC Arena in Raleigh.
“I’ll get those #$@!&%#!,” said Peace senior Bobby McBobberson.
The rivalry between the two schools dates back to 1850 when the original charter was drawn up for Peace College. In a bitter dispute over who would get their grandfather’s stamp collection, William Peace’s twin moved to New Jersey and changed his last name to Paterson, betraying the Peace family. He then founded William Paterson University in Wayne, New Jersey in 1855 to spite his brother.
The two schools have hated each other ever since and this inner-institutional loathing only amplified when they both became accredited universities in 1997 and as students from both universities continually pulled up the wrong website after typing “WPU” into Google.
Tensions between the two schools reached an all-time high on March 28 when the William Paterson football team and William Paterson’s president Richard Helldobler threw Peace President Dr. Brian Ralph into a vat of molten steel as Helldobler shouted “Long live the king.”
Peace’s President crawled out of the vat later that evening as he was reincarnated into Dr. Robo Ralph and is seeking revenge for decades of blatant copying.
“Our students are taught not to lie, cheat, steal or to condone the actions of those who do,” said Dr. Robo Ralph in a recent statement. “William Paterson has been stealing our ideas since day one and they have now taken my human form; they must pay. Press any key to continue…”
All students in the death arena will be armed with a marshmallow gun, 200 cyanide coated marshmallows, a set of sharpened butter knives, a rocket launcher, and a pocket-sized monitor playing an hour-long compilation of TikTok ads from YouTube.
“It’s going to be brutal,” said Helldobler, “but that’s the most we could expect from those uncultured southerners.”
William Paterson University sophomore Jimbly James is infuriated by the reincarnation of Dr. Robo Ralph. He was one of the football players who tossed Dr. Ralph into the vat.
“He came back!?,” said James, “I will now make sure to end as many Pacers as possible tonight because apparently my best throw all season was for nothing.”
In preparation for the death arena, the William Peace University theatre department gave an entertaining look at New Jersey history and culture by performing the first season of Jersey Shore.
“My parents never let me watch Jersey Shore as a kid,” said fifth-year Peace senior Colkin Bucharest. “Now I’m glad they didn’t.”
Dr. Robo Ralph believes that the theatre department’s performance represents how important acting is to the Peace community. He also believes that it reflects how the theatre majors will be the most mentally-prepared to survive during the death arena.
“If they were able to tolerate watching the entirety of Jersey Shore every day for a month, they will never die,” said Dr. Robo Ralph.
The first annual WPU versus WPU death arena will take place at 7:00 p.m. on May 4. Counselors will be available in the Joyner House for those distressed by the circumstances and therapy dogs will be made available directly after the death arena ends at 11:00 p.m.