By Kenny Timper
As we begin a new decade, a lot of talk and speculation has begun about what is waiting for us beyond the horizon of the 2010s. Well, speak and speculate no further, because I, Kenny Timper, William Peace University student and time traveler extraordinaire, have returned from 2029 and I’m here to report…
…that it’s sort of a mixed bag. However, it’s not too late to fix some things! We have got a 10-year head start after all.
So what’s up with this new decade?
Well, not a lot changes, at least early on. Donald Trump is still president and no one on either side can seem to articulate their opinion about both him and the current state of affairs.
Let me tell you, the 2020 campaign trail is a wild ride. Motley Crue’s 30th farewell tour gets canceled, so they hit the road with Donald Trump. There were times where I couldn’t tell if I was at a rally or a red state buttrock festival, and a lot of those times, it didn’t matter.
The same nerds who did not come out to vote last time still don’t come out to vote this time (seriously, go vote). Donald Trump wins the re-election because he opts to make Kanye West his running mate.
Trump capitalizes on Kanye West’s newfound faith and, as it turns out, through West he is able to appeal to a much younger crowd AND evangelists alike. Kanye West promises early access to a new album, prompting young voters to go out and vote because otherwise, they just sit at home and complain on the internet.
My distant aunt Edna and a million of her cloistered 60-year-old friends who still think Reaganomics was peak America, of course, find the time to vote in droves.
Meanwhile, the DNC still couldn’t get it together, so they somehow wound up making history by nominating an actual graham cracker to run on their behalf. Turns out, a lot more people than you think would rather have a graham cracker be president than Donald Trump.
Fast-forward four more years, because you already know what to expect. A bunch of inflammatory remarks. Another failed impeachment attempt. Some Russian collusion sprinkled in there. Inspired by his recent musical endeavors, Kanye West makes attending the Opera mandatory.
Now, here’s where things get spicy: the mid-2020s.
In 2024 Vice President Kanye West makes a bid for the White House with his running mate, which is just an actual portrait of himself.
Americans decide that they are collectively too lazy to go out and vote and instead, they let something as theatrical as American politics do the voting for them: pro-wrestling.
That’s right, the next round of presidential debates are actually wrestling matches sponsored by WWE and officiated by John Cena. Election night 2024 is an all-out, smack-down brawl: Kanye West and Picture of Kanye West vs. Oprah Winfrey and Guy Fieri.
I won’t spoil it for anyone, but Kanye West wins. Guy Fieri takes his portrait to Flavortown and devours the entire thing on national television. He gets heartburn and winds up forfeiting the match for the Democratic Party.
Kanye West becomes the first person in American history to become President and Vice President simultaneously.
Now, I won’t spoil the rest of the decade for you, but Kanye West starts a nuclear war on accident.
See, Kim Kardashian West was advertising her new line of “presidential attire,” or “pantsuits for the Instagram generation” (make of that what you will) when she accidentally slips on a puddle of Kanye West’s silver body-paint.
In an attempt to break her fall, she mashes the big red button and sends America and the rest of the world into oblivion.
That’s it, that’s how we go out.
Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not about to risk it for the biscuit. We still have plenty of time to get this straightened out—but just to be sure, I rescued 35-year-old me from the future and brought him home.
This time around, I’m voting twice. I’m not taking any chances in 2020, and you shouldn’t either.